I get a lot of complaints in my message box from Doms who vent to me about their submissives agreeing to serve and then somehow along the way deciding that the relationship needs to go on their own terms. I’ve heard some say that their subs think that if they are ever asked to do things they don’t like or made to be uncomfortable, they get upset. Slowly the relationship begins to evolve into something that is much more like a vanilla relationship with some kinky play vs a true power exchange. It’s something that, quite frankly gets under my skin…so I am going to give you *my* take (therefore, MY opinion and not law. You can take it or leave it) on what submission should be like. As someone who has worked in leadership roles in corporate America, this is simply how I think. It works for me.
A Dom friend of mine says that he sees himself as CEO and his subs as his sexy secretaries and in a lot of ways, that idea is the basis for a truly strong power-exchange relationship. When you get a job, you sign a ton of paperwork. You agree to the terms and conditions that you will work under. You agree that you are to represent the company a certain way. You are agreeing to the way you are to dress, speak, and conduct yourself while you work there. In exchange you are compensated to do the job. A D/s relationship works a lot like that.
When you agree to wear your Dom’s collar, you are agreeing to WHATEVER his terms are. If he is in a poly relationship and he tells you that you will only be his sub 3 days a week for x hours a day and he’s with his wife the other days of the week, then you agreed to that. If he travels for work and is away for 2 weeks our of every month, you agreed to serve under those conditions. If he has kids that he cares for and his time is limited, you agreed to that. See where I’m going with this? If your job tells you to be there at 8 am every morning and you show up at 10 because you feel like you’re a good employee, would they tolerate that? Why should your Dom? You accepted the collar under the CONDITION that you would be available to him when he asked you to. That does not change because emotions get involved. If anything, your job becomes that much more important.
Negotiations begin BEFORE you accept the job. You want to discuss salary, working hours, vacation, etc..all of that happens BEFORE you accept the position. In D/s you need to talk about all of your desires for the relationship and BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF about what conditions you can “work” under. If you know your Dom has little free time but you accept the collar hoping that one day he will make time for you, that is 100% unfair! If he told you what his situation was going in, either accept it or walk away. It’s not about, “Once he loves me, he will change.” If that were the case, there wouldn’t be so many mistresses still waiting for the husband to leave and so many new mothers who couldn’t keep a man by getting pregnant. Hate to break it to you, but 95% of the time, what you see is what you get. When a man tells you what his life is like and what’s GOING TO BE like, believe him. Again, take the terms and conditions the same way you would when taking on a new job.
As I’ve stated before, I don’t see submission or dominance as a gift. It is two people making an agreement that is mutually beneficial. I use my boss/employee analogy because (in my own personal opinion) it is more fitting. You are “hired” to do a job. You are there whether you have a bad day or not. You are expected to work hard EVERY day. You do not argue with your boss. You are polite and respectful. When you have a request, you are careful about how you word it. In turn, your boss reviews the information and makes the best decision based on business need. Think of your submission the SAME way and things will work out a lot smoother. At the heart of this relationship, it is a POWER-EXCHANGE. When you agreed to that, you gave up your rights to sit around and bitch and moan because you don’t feel like “working” that day. I think so many subs start to feel like once they know the Dom loves them, that they get to stop and be pampered. How would your boss felt if you came in one day and said, “Well, I’ve been working here for 5 years now, so I think I’m gonna just come in today and put my feet up all day and do work when I feel like it?” That’s not what you agreed to when you took the job. Think of how the Dom feels when you said you were alright with xyz circumstance and all of a sudden you feel because you now have an emotional attachment, that he should drop everything to make YOU comfortable. Doesn’t that put *you* in the position of power?
Look…I like to break down everything into it’s most basic points. Power-exchange is very logical to me. One person has the power, the other gave it up. Before a sub is collared, there are negotiations. If you need a lot of cuddling, hugs, time to relax, there’s your time to say all of that. Everyone then comes to terms with the agreement, and you play it out. It’s really not nearly as deep as people make it. Don’t get me wrong, I know situations arise and things HAVE TO change. Just like a work when someone has a baby, or a family member gets sick, etc…you can make arrangements at work to deal with that. Similarly, if things come up in your relationship, you absolutely should talk to your Dom and work everything out for the best. A Dom should never be abusive and take advantage of his position in power. He should be able to do what’s best for your own growth like any good manager would. Your concerns should be heard and addressed. That’s important and I don’t discount that. The Dom agrees to TAKE CARE of his submissive and her needs. He agrees to terms and conditions as well, however; my problem is when subs say, “Well you can’t travel for work anymore because now you’re my Dom,” or “You can’t be in an open relationship anymore because now I want you all to myself. That’s honestly not fair. If you agreed to serve in that role, then you should be an adult and hold up your end of the deal. If you find that you are not able to and the relationship is no longer satisfying, then just like a job, you can certainly quit. It is “at-will” employment and not actual slavery, so you can find someone who works better for you. Trying to make people change and having expectations that don’t coincide with the arrangements you made initially is just plain wrong.
Take if from me, the beauty of power-exchange is that the roles are clear. The Dom is the boss and the sub gets “paid” in love, protection, guidance, nurturing, support and the quenching of that need to serve. It can be a beautiful thing. Go to “work” every day with a positive attitude. Don’t be one of those employees who comes to the office every day looking for a reason to complain. If it doesn’t work for you, hand in your letter of resignation and walk. Don’t waste time trying to force something that you didn’t even agree to in the first place. If you don’t want to serve, or you need something your Dom can’t give you, then find another “company” to work for. There is always vanilla daily life and power-exchange in the bedroom only. That works well for lots of folks. Recognize that being a full-time submissive/slave means that you are essentially giving up your power. If that’s not for you, find something that is.
BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all package. Find what works best for you if the person you’re with can’t give it to you. There are plenty of other willing bosses.
Posted By Subbieblackgrl
Updated : 8th April 2015 | Words : 1420 | Views : 1538