New Submissive's Tips on Behavior

New Submissive's Tips on Behavior

Finding the One is not an easy task and submissives are at some definite disadvantages compared to their "vanilla" counterparts. The nature of submissives can make them less likely to initiate an encounter with someone who has caught their eye and the D/s lifestyle makes it difficult for subs to aggressively seek the attentions of a Dominant that has pricked their interest. So how does a submissive get noticed? The answer is often this: By her or his behavior. That behavior can be good or bad, as is the notice it receives. Some things always apply and these are a few of the most important ones.

  1. Be respectful. Showing respect for others and yourself is a must in almost any situation. There is seldom an excuse for anyone, especially a submissive, to be rude, disrespectful or disruptive. In a real-life social situation it probably will not be tolerated and will most likely lead to you being viewed in a negative light by those who take the lifestyle seriously. Online, it exposes you for what you are: untrained or a wannabe. We've all seen the sub who brags about handcuffing a Dom to a chair, is constantly causing a disturbance during polite conversation or jumps in every lap in the room. Believe me, this is NOT the way for submissives to act, nor is it acceptable in any real-life situation I've ever seen. It is very hard to be respectful to someone who doesn't deserve respect and we've all encountered situations where we've been pushed past our "limits" of tolerance. It takes some real ingenuity to find a tasteful way to tell someone to "take a hike."

  2. Be polite. Good manners are appreciated everywhere, and in a formal D/s situation, they are imperative. The use of such things as "Thank you," "Please" and "You are welcome" will not go unnoticed, just as the failure to use them won't go unheeded. Using common courtesy may go a long way in gaining you some positive attention; at the very least, it won't give you a negative reaction.

  3. Be well groomed and dress appropriately. Contrary to popular belief, submissives do not run around half-dressed or naked in all social situations. Maintaining a neat, clean appearance will gain more positive attention than a thong and chainmail bra. Being demure and feminine (if you're a female) is often the best option. Remember, a potential Dom is looking for a submissive, not a call girl, so a little modesty should be your trademark in most social gatherings. Some things look much better when enhanced by the imagination and a little hint can be a nice appetizer before the feast.

  4. Be well behaved. Being well-behaved speaks louder than any words you could use. Your actions will be watched by any interested Dominant, and although you won't be expected to be perfect, you will be expected to have behavior befitting of someone He/She would want to claim as theirs. Misbehaving seems to get a lot of attention but it's not the kind you may want. Picture a spoiled or undisciplined child who disrupts a classroom. The teacher is very aware of this child, but I doubt he or she want to take that child home. Although some Dominants may enjoy the challenge of a "feisty" submissive, I doubt many want the "subbie brat from hell." Dominants take pride in the behavior of their submissive, so start out on the right foot.

  5. Be yourself. Don't fall into the trap of trying to be what you think someone else is looking for. It's important to be yourself. If you are playful and spirited by nature, then by all means don't be afraid to show this side of you. The same applies if you are the more serious, quiet type. Little will be gained by trying to be someone you are not. Sooner or later your true nature will be apparent and both you and your Dominant will be in for some major problems and disappointments.

Some Conceptions and Misconceptions

These are only a few of the more obvious ones.

  1. Kneeling at a Dominant's Feet It is my experience that kneeling does not come into play until a submissive is under the protection or care of a Dominant. Kneeling is an outward sign of submission and respect and should not be taken lightly. It signifies a relationship between the submissive and Dominant and without some sort of interaction between them, kneeling is not expected and shouldn't be done. Online I've seen totally unknown submissives kneel before every Dominant on the channel and addressed each as Master or Mistress. I have wondered where this practice began and have reached the conclusion that it's done by those who have little or no real life experience. I think too many submissives get their ideas from the "Beauty" books or from visiting the land of Gor. While these books and channels can be amusing, they are NOT the basis for a realistic D/s relationship. There are many positions that submissives take when kneeling before their Master/Mistress. The Dominant will teach His/Her submissive what is most pleasing to them.

  2. Using the term "Master/ Mistress" Again, this should not be taken lightly and is very much overplayed online. A Dominant is not your Master or Mistress until there is an agreement made between the two of you and an exchange of power has taken place. The more appropriate term "Sir/Ma'am" should be used until you have truly given control of yourself to this person. You might gain a better understanding of the correct use of these terms after reading the discussion held in #Ithaka_Bound by Master John.

  3. Taking your place with your Dominant. Once ownership has been established, submissives are expected to take their specified place when in the presence of their Dominant. Dominants have their own preferences and standards, and it's the duty of the Dominant to make sure His/Her submissive knows what is expected. One thing I've noticed online that I've not seen in real life is the practice of a female submissive "hopping in Master's lap." It seems to be quite commonplace online but is a rarity in a realistic situation. Most submissives sit near or at the Dominant's feet, either on the floor or on a low stool provided for them. Some remain in a relaxed kneeling position at their owner's feet in some social situations where sitting on the floor may not be advisable. If the Dominant wishes to have His submissive on His lap, He will direct her to do so. She is not to ask for this pleasure or assume it on her own, but is to accept what His preferences are at the time.

Avoiding "Online" Pitfalls

Because so many new submissives are discovering themselves online, I've directed most of this toward them. I've seen too many tender souls lead astray by the behaviors and information they've gleaned from watching the activities of the popular BDSM or D/s channels. Although there are some channels populated by "real-lifers," the majority are inhabited by "online wannabes" who don't have a clue about the realities of real-life D/s relationships. They do our lifestyle a real disservice by playing a dangerous game with other people's lives and feelings. I often wonder how many submissives lost the chance to discover the fulfillment of their true nature because of the myths and fallacies they've found on IRC or other "chat" providers. Here are some of the typical things you should know about and avoid.

"On your knees, slave" The first time someone said that to me on a D/s channel I was stunned. I was unowned at the time, new to "chat" and couldn't believe that this was happening. I soon learned that this was a common occurrence online and I would have to deal with it several times a day. You do NOT have to get on your knees for anyone, nor should you do so when this happens. No true Dominant would ever say or expect such a thing from a submissive who does not have a relationship with Him/Her. Put the clod on "ignore" and move along.

"I am your Master/Mistress and you will do as I say" Wrong! Until you have entered into an agreement with a Dominant, no one is your Master/Mistress. It doesn't happen because they say so, it happens when you reach an understanding. It's a mutual decision, not one made by a stranger. You will know it when someone is your Master/Mistress and it won't be when a stranger announces it to you in a private message.

"Because you are a submissive you will serve me" Not even on a good day! You serve because you desire to, not because you are ordered by someone you've never met. Your service is a gift that's offered, not taken, and you have every right to refuse, or better yet, ignore the comment entirely.

"I order you to submit to me" This one left me in fits of laughter for nearly 10 minutes. Submission is NOT ordered. Submission is given, and then only after trust has been established. Your gift of submission is a precious thing and one you should not toss around on a channel freely. If you would not give the keys to your car to a stranger on the street, why would you even consider giving a stranger the keys to your very life? Take your time and don't be afraid to say "NO."

Another thing to watch out for is the ridiculous behavior of some of the "online" submissives. You will see things like subs hugging, kissing and lap-sitting with every Dominant on the channel. Be aware that this is NOT acceptable or desired by any Dom worth His salt. Dominants may be amused by these actions, but it's doubtful they would choose one of the subs that participate in this sort of thing. I'm always embarrassed by submissives who go out of their way to provoke or anger Dominants. This seems to be a childish attempt to gain attention and seldom gets more than an occasional "swat" from a Dominant who has had enough of it. Other similar activities are subbie revolts, collaring Dom/mes, tossing water balloons, and sexually inappropriate behavior. If you want to be respected and honored, you will avoid these pathetic attempts to be noticed. Your poise and respectable behavior will draw the attention of those that are worthy of it.

I could continue listing these kinds of comments and behaviors for the next week and still not cover all the ignorant things you'll hear in one day on "chat." There are lots of "players" online, those who use IRC as an erotic fantasy, and if that's what you are after, you'll find it. But if you are truly wanting to learn what those strange feelings stirring inside you are really about, you'll have to be smarter than the average "wannabe Dom/me." Trust your natural instincts. If it doesn't "feel" right, it probably isn't. Know that you have rights in decisions made concerning you. You can be submissive and say no. Find reliable sources of information and READ. Learn what the lifestyle and your nature are about. You can find some good sources for information in the links sections on Lord Colm's View From the Top page, my Chains of Love page or the numerous articles found in the Castle Library.

Copyright© 1997 Castle Realm

All rights reserved

Posted By Castle Realm

Updated : 10th April 2015 | Words : 1898 | Views : 8142

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