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A New Sub’s Lesson Learned

A New Sub’s Lesson Learned

To have someone you love leave you - to suddenly go dark and silent with little explanation - is hurtful enough.  To have that be the the first person to whom you offered your wrists, your vulnerability, your submission is a breach of trust so deep and so painful as to be nearly unfathomable.  To know that you allowed someone access to those softest, most shy and uncertain parts of yourself, bared your body to them and allowed them to do things to it you’d only ever fantasized about (and some you hadn’t even considered yet) and to have them turn their back on you during a difficult time  in your relationship is, frankly, inexcusably unkind and selfish, regardless of the reason.


To anyone who thinks you are a Dominant because you get pleasure and pride and power from being called Daddy or Sir, or have no trouble putting your hand across someone’s ass, know that there is SO much more to it than that.  When she submits to you, she does so with an abundance of trust that you will do as you promised - that you will love her and take care of her and be there for her - no matter what.  That you will work through the darkest of days and toughest of times - together.  She has fought very, very hard within herself to get to the point of being able to turn it all over to you and she needs to know - in her heart, in her mind, in her bones - that you will not leave her because exploring new depths of D/s and kink brought up things that neither of you expected.  Deep and emotional things.  For god’s sake - these  should be expected and anticipated.  I, as a completely inexperienced submissive knew this, yet you did not.  To truly be a Dominant worthy of, and more importantly ready for, someone’s submission, you need to understand yourself - your own inner workings - enough to know that you have the strength to hold her up when this happens, as this is when she will need you the most.  And to know and trust that she will be there to hold you up, too.  D/s is a partnership, with each of you ALWAYS looking out for the well-being of the other, not just making sure the ropes aren’t too tight or that she’s had enough cuddle time after a scene, or that you’ve worn the dress he likes or that when you kneel your feet are placed just so.  This is about two human beings taking care of and loving one another - even when the road gets a little bumpy.  Especially when the road gets a little bumpy.  Not fleeing at the first sign of trouble and leaving the other person to deal with the damage hurt and confused and alone.


I am so thankful for the strength and wisdom I’ve gathered over the years that I know will allow me to move forward to what’s next for me, but this situation makes me think about and  hurt for all the people who experience something like this and are unable to move on.  Who suffer damage and are left scarred by irresponsible DINOs (Dom-In-Name-Only.  Not sure if I’ve seen this elsewhere or just made it up on the fly…;) ).  Even as a strong woman, jeez, this really leaves a dent.  Here I sit, woken up to this part of me that I didn’t know existed and now won’t lay silent, yet I’m terrified to try again and that really makes me sad.  And a bit pissed off, too.  What right did you have to break this brand-new part of me that I trusted you with so freely and openly?  Please, please, folks - if you dabble or live in the realm of D/s do so responsibly and know yourself well enough to know your limitations and limits (yes, these are 2 different things) so that you don’t hurt others from your lack of self-knowledge. 


This is not to say I hold no responsibility in this situation - nothing could be further from the truth.  Someone once said to me “you’re always 100% responsible for 50% of any situation that affects you” and I try hard to hold myself accountable to this notion.  I learned (although I thought I already knew this) the utmost importance of communicating about everything all the time with the other person, no matter how trivial it may seem.  There is no such thing as too much communication.  Also, to constantly be scanning your own self to see if there’s anything just below the surface that needs attention.  You might be feeling a little sideways about something - physical or emotional - you need to examine it to figure out what it is and what it needs before it turns into something bigger than necessary.  And, to always, ALWAYS trust your instincts.  If something feels a bit off, it probably is.  That doesn’t mean not giving someone the benefit of the doubt - we’re all just messy people trying to live our messy lives the best way we know how - but if your Spidey Sense says something isn’t lining up, then ask questions until you’re satisfied with the answer, or get out if it makes you too uncomfortable.


Though hurt and licking my wounds right now, I am so incredibly grateful for having this element of who I am awakened and wouldn’t trade the “who” I experienced this with for anything.  Yes, you’ve hurt me - deeply - but I love you and thank you for the gifts you’ve given me.  I’ve gotten to know parts of myself I had no idea existed - and for anyone who lives life with curiosity and wonder- there is no better feeling in the world than turning over stones and finding something new and shiny and precious to explore  beneath.  I’ve learned many lessons here - some of joy and some of great caution - but all of them will serve me well as my journey continues. <3


http://chrryblsm.tumblr.com/post/119761147053/a-new-subs-lesson-learned


Posted By Chrryblsm

Updated : 3rd February 2019 | Words : 1020 | Views : 2397 | Comments : 2

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2 Comments

1)

I think you took Every. Single. Word. right out of my head. My first Dom, my second chance at love after a mentally abusive relationship, was 100% the total package for me. For 13 years. Then he completely changed year 14 and the hands that were so loving became the hands I feared. My love became the person I feared. And then he left. Poof, gone.
Now I'm left trying to navigate life, the pain, taking control of decision making, and "supressing" my needs that are demanding they be taken care of. I am lost, floundering, and confused. I second guess every decision, making a decision of any kind gives me anxiety, and I have no idea how to cope. I am so ready to hand over control to someone and let them make all the decisions. Even though I know that's not even close to a good idea. The hardest part though is that I'm not a victim, I don't know how to deal with victim-ish feelings, and it makes me angry. Very angry...... I'm also afraid that I'll always be too afraid to try. To give that much of myself to someone. To trust that much again or love that hard again. That makes me furious.....and so terribly hurt. Even so, I still have hope. Hope that someday I'll find a reason to hope. Because it wasn't love or trust or loyalty that hurt me. It was a person that gave up on those things and turned their back to them. It wasn't my submission or his Dominance even. It was a person that quit treasuring those parts of us. So I will continue to hope that someday I will have a reason to hope for more. For real. For happiness, love, and belonging. Until then... I'll navigate this mess and find my way.


Posted By Rhonda on Sunday 3rd February 2019 @ 11:45:57

2)

O_O Ouch. And here I thought I had locked away this particular hurt rather well....guess not -_-

Old hurt? Nothing much, just a wound buried rather deeply that I have never really been ready or able to work through properly.

I appreciate the intended, yet, bluntly expressed overdue lesson that i need to revisit, I thought I was recovered and no longer affected...but i guess some wounds are more bloody and scar thicker and deeper into our subconscious than we let ourselves believe.

"To have someone you love leave you - to suddenly go dark and silent with little explanation - is hurtful enough. To have that be the the first person to whom you offered your wrists, your vulnerability, your submission is a breach of trust so deep and so painful as to be nearly unfathomable. To know that you allowed someone access to those softest, most shy and uncertain parts of yourself, bared your body to them and allowed them to do things to it you’d only ever fantasized about"

"...leaving the other person to deal with the damage hurt and confused and alone."

I was sixteen. I knew I needed a d/s relationship even then. He was my first...everything, quite literally. We met, and within a few weeks, while not dating, I knew that I was going to ask him to accept to being my first sexual partner, if not as a lover, as a friend that I trusted to treat me gently and with respect...he was everything i expected and wanted, he listened to my desires, my deeply hidden fantasies without judgement and shocked me when he returned my confessions with mirrored ones of his own. I gave him everything i was, no holding back as did he, we became so emotionally intimate so quickly it shocked everyone around us :)- still is to some extent (as it is with first love, though we do love telling the story to new friends to see the shock on their face ;)

Even at 17, he was as thorough as i was in our personal research. He knew what was expected of him as a Dom and he made every effort to show me the same level of respect, to be sure that I always knew i was loved, that I was taken care of after sessions, even though we were learning together, we had no secrets....but some of our 'friends/family' didnt like how close we were after just a few months, didnt believe that we should dedicate ourselves to one partner so young and instead of being happy for us, preyed on our adolescent insecurities, until he was finally convinced that I would be better off without him and left.

Of course I didnt find this out until about a year later when I had gotten up the courage to confront him about the most traumatic night of my life at that stage. its been eleven years since we re-established contact and although we didnt resume as deep a sexual relationship, we have remained incredibly close - He comes to me to practice his rope work, which helps me with my need to be tied, not to mention our ability to have frank and deeply honest conversations about new interests or kinks without shame or judgement. Reading this though, has kind of made it horribly clear that I havent fully forgiven him for not talking to me about his fears and just assuming that his decision was for the best - for not explaining himself properly and just ending it without my opinion or input as per our agreements - and then cutting all contact and refusing to acknowledge the connection we shared at all, proclaiming it to have just been "puppy love" or at our worst point, "meaningless and made up" (He has since apologized for those last two when he was lashing out)

I believe I will be sending him this article with a request to discuss our past so I can finally heal myself and move forward fully.

My thanks and curses at making me face my demons at the same time ;)


Posted By Arms Of Nyx on Monday 7th December 2015 @ 03:04:50

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