Boy, I had no idea what the fuck I was getting myself into.
I have met numerous submissive females and every single one of them was soo eager to serve me once they felt they were comfortable and knew they were safe in my presence. You could see it written all over their face, their desire to be owned. Their desire to be claimed. Having Him claim what is rightfully His.
For a submissive, there is nothing more rewarding (in the sense of BDSM) than being dominated, having her Dominant nurture her, and having her Dominant make sure that she knows that she is cared for. Every dynamic is unique in each situation but in a general sense, these seem to be the traits that most submissives have in common. Just my humble opinion.
Vise versa for Dominants. Not much more pleases us than a submissive serving us, a submissive being molded into what we desire and a submissive following our own unique dynamic.
Ultimately it is the Dominant's responsibility to ensure that the submissive is: safe, happy, and free. If these three traits are not present in your dynamic you will struggle in your relationship 100% of the time. It is that simple.
Most submissive females (again in my humble opinion) once they find a Dominant who is actually "any good" and he is not: some poser, not a newbie, knows what he is doing, knows what he desires, and is actually a Dominant who has his life in order.. (I really could go on and on) they will happily and freely open themselves up completely to be Dominated by this wonderful, rare man who she feels comfortable around him.
But what is this?
What about when you find a female who doesn't submit to you completely right away? What do you do when she comes across like the farthest thing from a submissive? You think to yourself "Wow she is beautiful, I can sense her confidence, the way she attracts attention, the way people look to her for direction. Surely she must be Dominant, or at the very least dominant oriented right?"
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
Welcome to the Alpha Female.
side note Yes I purposely capitalized the A and the F. Why? It's a little thing called respect. As a Dominant we all need to learn how to respect submissives, we are not "better" than a submissive just because they have the heart to serve. It is an honor, it is a privilege we dominants have to be able to claim a submissive as our "s" type... even more rewarding with a strong woman. So, earn your own right to have your own alpha female. /End Side Note
Back on topic.
The Alpha Female is a force to be reckoned with. An Alpha Female can possess all or most of the following traits: sexy as fuck, very beautiful, confidence, demands respect, has men chasing her, can get laid pretty much at any hour she desires, has a professional life, has a hectic life. She draws people to her and secretly some women are jealous of her. She has accomplishments she is proud of and she holds herself to a very high standard. A high standard she has lived up to her entire life and she does not and will not settle for anything less than what she knows she truly deserves because she's earned it.
I'm going to be very honest here. I'll never forget the first time I met an Alpha Female for the first time. My first thoughts were and I quote "Fuck. Just how in God's fucking name am I going to tame her?!"
It can be very overwhelming in the beginning and it will be rather overwhelming the first time you encounter an Alpha Female whom you have any interest in taming and molding her into your own unique s type.
Alpha Females are genuinely very rare creatures. If you aren't experienced in how the D/s dynamic works most of the time you will confuse an Alpha Female for a Dominant/Domme type. That is soooo not the case. Sorry Alpha Females but this is something you just have to get used to, being misunderstood. Not everyone will be able to look into your soul and understand that you're a submissive at heart. Not everyone has the pleasure or the understanding of Fetlife and how BDSM works.
With that being said in a way you can lump: strong women, free-spirited women, and Alpha Females all into a specific category because of similar traits I noticed they all share: Their demand to be respected, their demand to not feel trapped and micromanaged, and their demand and need for a strong man in their life. Yes, most of these traits are just what any female needs to begin with but it is personified even more and it is essential with strong women that these traits are understood right off the bat.
I'm going to be very honest here. I wish I had some sort of guideline when I met a strong woman, especially an Alpha Female for the first time. I completely fucked up those experiences in the beginning. I really had little to no idea what I was doing. The truth of it all is I wasn't ready at the time to "tame" her/any strong woman at the time the way that I wanted to. I was not ready to achieve what I wanted because at the time I still had a ton of developing and learning to do. I had so much changed that needed to be done, I still do for heaven's sake! We as humans should never stop learning and changing. It's so ironic though but now at this point in my life, I seem to be attracted to and attracting nothing but strong females in my life lol.
Having said everything that I have said and having gone through the entire hell that I have gone through, here is a very basic 9 step guideline I wrote down that I wish I had years ago. If you are a Dominant male and you are reading this and you have any interest at all in being with a strong woman... save this writing. Print it out, do whatever the hell you have to do so you make sure you never make the same mistakes that I made and you at least have a basic guideline to go off of.
GUIDELINE TO DOMINATING STRONG, FREE-SPIRITED, ALPHA FEMALES
#1: YOU DON'T DOMINATE HER IN THE BEGINNING
Seriously who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think you are prince charming who is going to come and sweep this princess off her feet? You really don't think several other men have tried too and failed miserably?
She's a fucking queen. She is not some street rat, she is the farthest thing from easy so no buddy.. you can't just Dominate her right off the bat and expect her to submit completely to "your will".
Just a heads up.. just because she chooses to have sex with you or bottom for you does not mean you have tamed her. Not even close.
A strong woman can sense when a man is uncomfortable or threatened by her presence. She can sense when and if you are trying to compensate for your lack of control with her by Dominating her even more.
The best thing you as a Dominant can ever do in this situation is the following. You need to get in the mindset that you are allowing her to be in your presence and you're allowing her to be free when you are there with her. ESPECIALLY IN THE BEGINNING. By doing this alone it will take your Dominance to a new level and allow you to perceive the world from a different perspective.
You are the man. You are the one with the balls. You are the leader. You are ALLOWING HER to spend time with you as much as she is investing time in seeing you.
You need to seriously believe this. You need to be at a point in your life where you can have a model sit in front of you but you couldn't give two fucks if she was sitting in front of you. Why? Because she hasn't earned you. She hasn't earned your reward, your Dominance. A man who willingly gives his power away, especially in the beginning is considered weak to just about every woman out there. DON'T BE THAT GUY!
Instead, try this.
Forget about trying to Dominate her in the beginning and tell your dominance to go fuck itself. Your Dominance means little to nothing to these types of women in the beginning. Instead do the following:
- Actually, try to get to know her.
- Pay attention and listen to her queues, genuinely listen and pay attention to what she has to say.
- Make it absolutely clear that you are a Dominant, Alpha Man and you will NOT tolerate any disrespect or any behavior that you deem inappropriate. If she cannot behave in a way that is reasonable and accepting to what you desire, give her a chance to correct her behavior otherwise throw the deuce sign up and NEXT HER. You will not be disrespected and you will not tolerate it at all.
- Set a foundation of the man you are and what she can expect from you.
Just by doing these things alone will make you different from the rest of the Dominants out there who do not possess these traits.
Why? Because you have nothing to prove. You have soft-spoken confidence that other people can sense and radiates off you. This draws attraction, this draws curiosity. It makes women ask:
-Why is he so different?
-Why is he not trying so hard?
-What makes him so different?"
It works.
#2: STOP TRYING TO DOMINATE HER IN GENERAL
Just stop it, bro. Seriously cut it out. It's not going to work. Why? Because she hasn't surrendered to you yet. You haven't earned her submission. You have not tamed her yet. Why would she want to submit to you? Do you seriously think just because you've known her for a couple of weeks that's enough to tame her?
Do you understand how these women operate?
Do you not understand how many messages these women get on Fetlife?
You probably don't.
So let me give you an idea of the kind of messages that women get on Fetlife.. Something like:
"Hey, baby I think your cute, wanna fuck?"
Or
"You need a new Dominant and I'm that guy."
Or the worst one of all, any message that in a nutshell say:
"Hi, I just met you. I just sent you three messages and just because I am a male I believe that gives me the right to instinctively dominate you and have you obey this stranger who has no emotional connection established with me (the submissive), who probably doesn't give two fucks about my safety (as the submissive) and all you probably care about is getting off at the moment. Yet you expect me to submit to you, allow you to use me to get off then leave me abandoned to move on to the next guy with no regard for my emotional health."
On behalf of all women who have ever gotten a message like this, let me say what several of you wish you could tell men like this. Before I say what I am about to say though I will admit that when I was younger I did act like this so no I am not going to sit here and pretend like I never sent a message like that because at one point I did. The difference is I figured my shit out, I grew up and I learned. I do know better now.
What I am about to say goes out to any "man" who acts and sends out messages like these and continues to demonstrate this type of behavior thinking that this method is the correct way to pursue a woman online/Fetlife.
GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU SELFISH PIG. 98% OF YOU WOULDN'T DARE SAY THAT SHIT IN-PERSON TO A FEMALE AND 99.999% OF YOU WOULDN'T DARE SAY IT SOBER. FUCKING CUT IT OUT. IT DOESN'T WORK, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IGNORANT FUCKING DOUCEBAG AND YOU'RE MAKING IT HARD ON THE REST OF THE DOMINANTS HERE BECAUSE SOME SUBMISSIVES DO GET SERIOUSLY BOTHERED BY CRAP LIKE THIS.
#3: STOP TRYING TO RUSH THINGS
When you rush things you come across as weak. You come across as uncertain and like you're not in control. Think about it.
If your life is complete, if you're genuinely happy with your life and the direction you're headed... you're not in a hurry to change anything at all. If anything you're going to be careful who or what you allow into your life because what you have right now is good.
Let's say you meet a fantastic, phenomenal woman. She blows your mind away, she is the complete package in your eyes and things are currently better than ever.
So why the fuck would you want to rush things and risk ruining the great experience and moment that you have right now?
The truth is you really want her, you seriously would like, maybe even love to have her (whoever that might be) in your life.
But you need to accept the truth. What is the truth?
The truth is you don't NEED her in your life. You don't NEED her to function to have a healthy, happy life.
Instead of freaking out and worrying.. take a deep breath and relax my friend. Enjoy your time with her. Enjoy your experience. Enjoy each other's company. You may never get another chance to see her again. You both may never have the honor and the privilege of spending time with each other again.
There is beauty and a certain elegance to life when you stop focusing on A or B. This goes for both men and women. Stop living your life in such a drastic, extreme way. Life does not have to be so black and white. Allow a little bit of grey into your life. Cut it out with the mental blocks. Learn to let life guide you and take its course. Learn when it's appropriate to let go of your fears, your doubts and allow yourself to be truly happy.
Yes, you will always feel pressure as a man. You will always feel the need to perform and meet expectations. Learn to properly accept your role as a man and relax my friend. You got this. Remember it is you who sets the tempo. You wait on no one but yourself, you go at your own pace. You got this.
#4: LET IT BE KNOWN SHE IS FREE
I'm going to be blunt here. It is very, very, VERY difficult when you finally have gotten that woman who is an 8/10, 9/10, or a flat-out perfect 10/10 and not want to hold her, protect her and not let her go. I'm not necessarily talking about the looks department, I'm talking about the total package. Basically the woman of your dreams or the closest thing to it.
Do I really need to say much about this? You finally got the woman of your dreams, so why in God's name would you want to let her go? Especially if you understand the value that she has in your eyes.
BUT. THIS IS A BIG BUTTTTTT.
What if she doesn't feel the same way? You may feel this way about her but does she feel the same way about you?
If she doesn't.. well ask yourself the following question.
What do you have to offer that is so unique? What do you bring to the table that she can't go find somewhere else? Why should she feel this way towards you?
Reality check.
Separate yourself.
Get it drilled in her head and make her truly understand that she is free and is welcome to walk away at any second, at any time she desires.
She needs to be free. She needs to understand and I will say it again that she is welcome to leave at any time she desires but it is her choice not to.
She needs to be free to come to you. She needs to put in her work now. She needs to begin paying you back for all that you have done for her at the beginning of the relationship by serving you and ultimately surrendering to your Dominance.
You need to make sure she appreciates all that you have done for her. If she doesn't, she will not appreciate your presence and time. She can't, you have either overwhelmed her or you haven't allowed her to come to you and let her put in her work in the relationship.
Let her have her freedom.
While most of us are secretly begging that she doesn't walk away and leave us, you as the Alpha are already one step ahead of the game in this department.
You know and have accepted that one day this beautiful relationship will end because of the contingencies that life has bestowed upon us. You have accepted that fact and because you have accepted and found peace with the inevitable end you are now allowed to truly appreciate this gorgeous creation you have before you.
My time, your time is limited. Instead of focusing on the bad or the fear of losing focus on the good. Focus on the love, on the care, on the sex. One day we will never have that again.
Even as a Buddhists, we may be reincarnated into a rock. A fucking, emotionless rock lol. My point is nothing in life is guaranteed and all you have right now is this moment you're currently in. Enjoy it and take it.
#5: A MESSAGE TO THE LADIES, LEARN TO APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE AND WHAT IS PRESENTED TO YOU.
This next message is just for the ladies, I do in fact have the wisdom to share for you.
For men, the following I am about to share is something that most of us are quite aware of but women are not.
This is something that most women simply cannot understand until they begin to put in "work" in general. Until they begin putting in their effort and sacrificing for their man they will truly never understand and at best all they can do is be aware.
In a general sense at the beginning of any partnership males are the ones who put in the work and women are basically spoiled in the beginning. In a general sense in today's society a man: approaches a woman, dictates the conversation, and then offers to extend the conversation further by exchanging contact information. At that moment and time, the female has the power and she decides whether or not she will allow this man to pursue something further with her. We as men are literally at the mercy of the female in the beginning and it fucking sucks lol. We as males are the ones that take the risk in the beginning.
Ladies I don't want to hear anything otherwise as far as this topic goes.
If you think I'm full of crap ladies why don't you try this? The next time you are single, out and about and you see a cute guy do the following: Walk up to him, approach him, dictate the conversation, and regardless of how bad or uncomfortable you may be feeling at that moment ask to get his number anyways. Now once you do that you tell me how you feel and if that wasn't nerve-wracking for you or difficult at all.
Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry but that ONE time you did it doesn't count at all. Do you think it was tough for you? Try doing it again, and again, and again. Try getting rejected 10, 15, 20 times in a row then you tell me how high your confidence is afterwords. Rejection sucks, period and most women don't understand how much it sucks and what we men go through.
I seriously believe the following.
If for one year the roles were reversed and women had to approach men and do the work in the beginning, relationships would last much longer and would be much healthier in general because women would have a better sense of what it is like to put themselves in vulnerable positions right off the bat. Women would understand that the energy and the work they put in is tough, difficult and because of that, you don't want to see all your hard work thrown away, lost, and at the very least fight to keep what you have.
Let that sink in for a moment...
If it didn't sink it, let me be even blunter.
If you want your relationship to fail, stop working on it and become a selfish bitch.
Do you know what the funny thing is though?
Most of the time.. just because you are a woman, let's say average looking.. if you actually display the courage to ask a man for his number I want to say at least 80% of men will give you their number.. even if he is taken as a sign of respect. Why? Because we understand how fucking difficult it is. We understand that for most men it really is tough to put ourselves in such a vulnerable position of rejection.. so when for once in our lives we have the honor of being spoiled by such a lovely, beautiful creature we are going to cherish the hell out of it and reward your hard work!
Ladies, If you paid attention to what I just said I gave you the secret to a successful, healthy long-term relationship.
Fuck, Dr. Phil. Fuck Cosmo. Fuck Oprah.
The secret to a long healthy relationship is a sacrifice from both partners.
If only one person is doing the work, the relationship will fail. PERIOD.
Because men are the ones who do the work in the beginning we understand how much it cost us and how much it sucks to get rejected. We understand how hard we worked to get you to this point so we, therefore, appreciate the hell out of our accomplishment when you (as the submissive) are where we want you to be.
#6: FOR BOTH GENDERS, LEARN TO COMMUNICATE
Your man is not a mind reader and your woman is not a mind reader.
It takes time to figure each other out. It takes time to be able to anticipate what she/he is going to say.
Guess what honey? Communication takes work. It takes practice and it becomes easier to do the more you do it.
If you or both of you don't work on communication what do you think is going to happen? There will be a world of misunderstandings and it will most likely lead to fights.
This is not a male thing or a female thing.. it is a test of your character.
You need to be able to explain in plain English to your partner or anyone you have any real interest in what is going on in your head.
Stop leaving "guesses" and "clues". Stop that crap and grow a pair of balls. Both of you.
- If something is bothering you, tell him/her.
- If all you think he wants is sex.. ask him if that is all he is looking for!
- If you feel like you're not getting enough attention or you feel like you're not being cared for enough... Tell him/her!!
- If you don't you will begin to see patterns. You will see people walk away from your life and it will affect you.. whether or not you choose to admit it.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. I don't care how uncomfortable it may be, figure it out. When you do figure it out, everyone wins and everyone is happier.
#7: MEN, YOU NEED TO STAND OUT
Because she can come and go as she pleases why the hell would she stay with you if you have nothing special to offer her? Sorry but her time is very limited and special just like your time is special. You have to have something unique about you that attracts her to you.
It's definitely an advantage for people in the BDSM scene that definitely is a way to stand out. But what if you meet someone vanilla? What if they are not ready to fully understand and appreciate your lifestyle yet? What do you get then?
If you truly don't have anything, figure something out. Pick up a hobby or something unique.
Do you like to play in a band? Run your own business? Come from a unique culture? Travel a lot? Interesting job?
Put some value into your damn name. Make yourself unique and different. Stick out and put yourself at the top.
#8: ALPHA MALES ARE IN HIGH DEMAND. IF SHE DOESN'T RECOGNIZES THAT, SOMEONE ELSE WILL
Just like Alpha Females are in high demand.. so are Alpha Males.
Once you have presented yourself to her and once she knows who you are it becomes her responsibility to appreciate and understand what she has been presented with before her.
The truth is sometimes women are not or cannot possibly comprehend and appreciate the man that you currently are until it is taken away from her..
It is a sad fact of life but if she can't appreciate your time and presence you can find someone else who will appreciate the man that you are.
It really goes both ways.
The truth is you have a ton of skills to offer. The truth is you're prime meat. You're the top of the top. It doesn't get any better than being an Alpha Male.
But she has to see it. Even if you know you're an Alpha Male, it doesn't mean shit if she cannot see you as an Alpha Male.
She needs to appreciate and respect your presence and your Dominance. If she cannot do that she can go through the hassle of trying to find someone like you again.
We all like to convince ourselves that there is someone out there who is like or better than our ex/current partner.
The truth is if it what you truly wanted was so easy to achieve, you would have gotten what you truly wanted a loooooong time ago.
If and when you do have the honor to find what you truly need, not what you want or what you think you want, what you truly need in life. It is an honor to be presented in such a moment.
Life works in mysterious ways and in random order.
#9: CLOSING AND PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
In the end, this isn't just about Alpha Females or strong women at all.
There are two key factors here that are the key to getting the woman of your dreams.
#1: Be an Alpha Male
#2: Attraction
The key to it all is being an Alpha Male. An Alpha Female NEEDS an Alpha Male. Not just any ordinary guy can truly win her heart.
If you can win the heart of an Alpha Female then nothing stops you from winning the heart of any female out there.
There needs to be attraction present in any relationship you have. If she is not attracted to you at all say goodbye to your chance of anything happening between the two of you. Almost all of the steps I listed helps increase your attraction as a whole. It starts with you.
Now in the BDSM scene because of the multiple dynamics and the roles out there.. let me be very clear that this writing applies specifically to Male Dominants and female submissives... just to prevent any miscommunication or any debates.
The truth to it all though is this. Men, get your shit and your life together. Figure yourself out and just be honest about what you truly want and where you want to take your life.
Not everyone has the ability to humble themselves to the point where they can change and improve the areas they know are lacking.
But when you do life will reward you. It will reward you in ways you never even knew were possible and it will change your life forever.
You want the woman of your dreams? Well, become the man of her dreams! It goes both ways.
Thank you to everyone who took their time to read my writings and read what I wrote. I am very thankful. Believe it or not but I value every single "love". Once again thank you so much.
– TillTheDeathOfMe
I want to thank TillTheDeathOfMe for letting me post this for you all to enjoy. You can find him on Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/501819
I want to thank TillTheDeathOfMe for letting me post this for you all to enjoy. You can find him on Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/501819
Posted By Till The Death Of Me
Updated : 4th December 2021 | Words : 4837 | Views : 23214 | Comments : 2
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2 Comments
1)
God, it is like somebody is reading my mind! you got right in the heart and mind of an Alpha Female.I was told by all my friends hat I need to change to attract an Alpha Man in my life ( since being Alhpa Female myself)- from changing to look like a young girl to change my voice, sadly it doesn't last long and the nature always comes out...I hope more Doms will read your article...Because the stronger woman is at work and with friends - the weaker he wants to be in bed, she wants some one just to take control! She wont give it easy but if you interest her she will. I hope one day a brave enough man will come along!
Posted By Olga on Friday 12th January 2018 @ 08:11:50
2)
Thank you for this incredibly well written and insightful article. I might not be as 'flowing' with my words, however, I did write a guest piece for a friends blog which is called "Brutal Truths - For women, by women" which is basically where women can rant and vent all their 'drama' and get advice from women, older and more experienced in life and love - no matter how hard it is to hear. I sometimes am requested for some of the more....blatantly *and i do hate to say it but* idiotic statements or forum topics which tend to make my rage meter fill to enable 'FATALITY!' with a single paragraph ;)
I would be most interested to hear your thoughts on my way of thinking and any advice on what you believe from a Alpha 2 point of view I could do to continue to improve myself as an Independent/Alpha Sub) - as you say, there is no end to self discovery or education.
https://www.facebook.com/notes/danni-nyx/spooning-and-cuddle-rant/10155586045000383
Respectfully,
Nyxie
Posted By Arms Of Nyx on Monday 7th December 2015 @ 03:50:18
