Good sex and sexual satisfaction is an important part of maintaining a happy relationship. Unfortunately, it’s also something that many straight couples struggle with. In fact, a study published in Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that heterosexual women had the fewest orgasms.
For many women, this was a “no duh” moment. After all, as scientists have confirmed before: one of the primary reasons why women aren’t into casual sex is that, well, straight dudes kind of suck in bed. And the sad truth is: it doesn’t take that much to be a legend in bed… if you just pay a little attention.
Here is a little of what women wish guys knew about sex.
Want To Be Better In Bed? Ditch The Porn
Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying porn in and of itself; in fact, odds are good that your girlfriends and wives would dig watching some with you. But the fact of the matter is: porn makes you lousy in bed.
The people involved may look like bad-asses, but it has no relationship to reality. Porn sex is the least-fun sex anyone is having, including the people you see having it. Everything about the sex you see people having in porn is about what looks good on camera, rather than how it feels.
In the real world, however, it’s lousy. Not only is your cock not hitting the spots it needs to – and more on that in a second – but it’s uncomfortable and you’re more prone to the bone sliding out than you are actually getting someone off.
Porn sex is all about the progression to penetration as quickly as possible. The foreplay – what little there is of it – is all about the cock and getting it in, rather than actual mutual pleasure or arousal.
The fact of the matter is: fucking like a porn star means having sex that’s unpleasant to everyone involved. If you want the kind of sex that makes you feel the way porn looks, you need to change how you approach things.
Good Sex Takes Longer Than You Think (But Not The Way You Think)
Part of what makes good sex is the duration. In fact, studies found that women who orgasm more frequently tend to have sex for longer durations. It’s not a man’s staying power that gets her there, however; in fact, that hour-long, bed-rocking, wall-banging, neighbour annoying fucking you see in porn tends to be the opposite of good sex. Constant hardcore bangin’ actually starts to chafe and hurt after too long.
Good sex isn’t about vaginal hang-time – in fact, the perfect time from penetration to ejaculation tends to be between 7 and 13 minutes. It’s about the length of sex overall.
One of the issues that leads to men being lousy in the sack is the way guys treat female arousal and the difference between male and female arousal patterns. While everyone’s different – some dudes can take forever, while some women are easier to get off than a pair of shoes – in general men tend to reach orgasm far faster than women. This is in no small part because many women have a “responsive” arousal pattern.
So not only are men more likely to get hit with the “boner out of nowhere” version of horniness, they’re also much quicker to peak… often to the frustration of their partners. So while men and women take approximately the same amount of time to reach peak arousal and orgasm, men tend to start the process before women do. It’s akin to coming to a race with a massive head-start; guys are half-way to crossing the finish line before women have even gotten to the starting blocks.
Since men come to sex already horny, they’re more likely to rush towards penetration while their partners are still getting warmed up. As a result: guys get off and leave their partners waiting to get some quality time with the shower head.
So how do you overcome this? Glad you asked, convenient rhetorical device…
The key here is foreplay. Women don’t want foreplay because they’re hoping for a Red Shoe Diaries experience with soft-focus lenses and random candles, it’s because foreplay helps get them to the place where guys start off. But good foreplay isn’t just “alright, there’s the boobs, there’s the nipples, go“. A great lover recognises that a woman has far more erogenous zones than her nipples and takes advantage of them.
Quit Thinking With Your Penis and Start Thinking With Your Hands (and Lips and Tongue)
Let’s get back to the dick-oriented nature of porn. One of the biggest mistakes people get from porn is the idea that cock is all you need when it comes to sex. If you’ve got the right equipment – especially one that’s big enough to need a secondary circulatory system – then all you have to do is drive things home and watch your girl moan her way to ecstasy and bragging about you to her friends later.
In reality… she’s laying there contemplating the ceiling and hoping you don’t pass out before at least trying to get her off.
The reality is that while pretty much all men can orgasm through penetration, very few women can. In fact, less than 35% of women can orgasm through vaginal sex alone, while 44% of women can’t orgasm from vaginal sex, period. Penis size, shape, curvature, decorative ribbing… none of that matters. Vaginal penetration is one of the worst ways to try to get women off.
On the other hand, 80% of hetero and bi women and 91% of lesbians almost always orgasmed through a combination of oral sex, manual stimulation and deep kissing, even when vaginal sex was never in the picture.
Change Things Up
There’s more to good sex – or bad sex, for that matter – than just technique. One of the worst things you can do is make sex boring. Good sex quickly becomes mediocre sex if you’re doing the same things over and over again.
The human brain craves novelty and excitement. We process new stimuli completely differently than something we’ve already experienced. Part of what makes those first few months with a new partner so intense and amazing is that your brain is flooding your system with dopamine. Because everything about them is new and different, even basic sex has a passion and fervour that you don’t find in most long-term relationships.
Unfortunately, our brains are also good at getting used to just about anything, including bed-rocking sex. What was mind-blowingly intense at first can become “meh” inducing over a surprisingly short time. Boredom can set in pretty quickly, especially when sex is the same thing every time. Even a man who can lick his eyebrows loses his appeal when going down is the exact same routine.
Boredom is the antithesis of good sex. It’s the killer of attraction, the muffler of orgasms. If you want to keep your stroke game strong, then you need variety.
So too can introducing other forms of sexual contact; prostate play, role-playing, or various flavours of kink can turn good sex into great sex.
But the most important part of good sex?
Use Your Words
As I’ve said before, the key to being an amazing lover isn’t about what’s between your legs, it’s what’s between your ears – specifically your brain and your mouth. Great lovers aren’t just about what happens in the bedroom, they’re about the holistic relationship. One of the contributing factors to frequent female orgasms? Treating sex as more than just bodies. Talk is a big part of keeping sexual arousal high. Flirting outside of sexual situations, praising your partner for the things they do in bed, teasing and tantalising one another keep the arousal levels up and the feeling of gratification high.
But the single greatest key to good sex? Being willing to just ask questions. Women, after all, are not a monolith. The same oral technique that gave one woman screaming orgasms may set another’s skin to crawling. The things that repulse one partner may well be exactly what your next one needs to get off. While porn makes good sex look instinctual, it’s actually born from communication. Asking your partner – whether a single-night hook-up or a long-term lover – what they want and what they need will be part of what leads to great sex… and make you the sort of lover they’ll always remember.
I have condensed this for this FB post. Reed the full version below.
Credit to: Harris O’Malley - Dr. NerdLove
Posted By Harris O'Malley - Dr. NerdLove
Updated : 15th October 2021 | Words : 1429 | Views : 3249