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Dominance and Self-Control

Dominance and Self-Control

Recently I was asked by what I interpreted to be a young, or at a minimum immature, follower where he could find women willing to be tied up, controlled and made to do whatever he wanted like those portrayed by images on my blogs. I could only ruefully shake my head and respond that if that were his sole motivation then he will not find such women. At least I pray that he doesn’t.

Dominance is indeed very much about control; exerting it, exploring it, accepting it, playing with it. But above all Dominance is about exercising it. Dominance is an act not so much of exerting control over another as it is of exercising control of self.

Dominance is as much about what we don’t do as what we do and the self-control it takes to achieve that. A Dominant has the potential to seriously emotionally or physically harm a submissive or simply use the power that has been granted them in self-serving ways to the detriment of the submissive. But the competent and caring Dominant does none of those things, certainly not with intent, and achieves that through the exercise of self-control. Indeed, the trust a submissive places in the hands of their Dominant is a direct result of their belief in that Dom’s own self-control. Self-control is in point of fact the wellspring of Dominance.

When a Dominant’s self-control is coupled with empathy and a genuine desire that their submissive be their very best self, it is like a moth to the flame for a submissive. It is one thing to sound dominant, it is entirely another to actually BE Dominant. Lots of people can play at being a Dominant for a time but to truly have an enduring D/s relationship requires something that cannot be faked or played at. It requires a genuine commitment to the betterment of a submissive, enduring patience and selflessness, and above all, self-control in times of extreme desire, frustration, or challenge.

Having the self-control not to go too far in a scene is one thing. Having the self-control not to lash out in anger is another. But having the self-control to face a truculent, high-maintenance, frustrated or even aggressive submissive with calm and patience is far, far harder. Indeed, it is the self-control exhibited by the Dominant in these times of trial that often most attracts the submissive and maintains their devotion. Often the submissive is a strong person seeking someone who is even stronger. The Dominant is the mighty oak that stands against the storm of the submissive in their least submissive moments. The Dominant may bend somewhat under the force of the gale but does not break. And when the storm is over the Dominant stands straight and dependable as ever. This is what keeps the submissive coming back. This is what garners the devotion. This IS Dominance.

Any sizable Dominant can grab a fist full of a submissive’s hair and pull them to their knees in response to provocation and sometimes this is not entirely the wrong thing to do. But the self-control it takes to look a raging submissive in the eyes and calmly bring them to their knees without ever touching them? Without even saying a word? Or perhaps with a gentle touch to the shoulder in combination with a look? That is Dominance and that is pure will and self-control at work. It would be so easy to fight back, overpower, verbally spar, argue, order, etc. But control, real control, comes from the power of calm. A look, a gesture, firm words softly uttered can be so much more impactful.

And finally there is patience. Patience is yet another form of self-control. A Dominant controls their own impulsive tendencies for the benefit of their submissive and the relationship. Much of Dominance stems from not taking everything a Dominant wants when they want it, even though it might be freely given (for a time) by a submissive in their zeal to please. The fact that a Dominant has the self-discipline and self-control not to take everything they could have, not to gorge at the buffet as it were, but rather to savor and linger without gluttony attracts the submissive to give ever more. Many submissives are accustomed to having been taken from in their lives. The rarity and attraction exists in the fact that in the shadow of their Dominant’s patience and self-control they actually feel like giving. Everything. All the time. A Dominant in turn can afford to be patient because through their self-control and desire for the betterment of the submissive, in time nothing will be withheld.

So while a Dominant is indeed attempting to exercise some level of control over their submissive, in reality the power that enables that control comes first, foremost and ultimately from the Dominant’s control of self. If you want a submissive to be attracted to you and devoted to you as their Dominant for more than the fleeting intense romance period of first meeting and early days, your interest had better be not in a desire to control another but rather a desire to control yourself. Do that, and a submissive will see you for the Dominant being that you truly are and will seek you out. You will not have to look. Because ultimately the hardest person to control of all is you.

By fortheloveofasub

Posted By For the Love of a Submissive

Updated : 16th October 2021 | Words : 889 | Views : 3205

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