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A Dominant or a Boy?

A Dominant or a Boy?

"My sub has days when she gets especially bratty. She challenges me in public and over the phone. Humiliation is a hard limit for her, and since we do not live together it has become increasingly hard to punish her. Any recommendations are greatly appreciated. Thanks!"

This was a message that I received this morning on waking up, from a man who I have chosen to make anonymous to avoid embarrassing him.

In my view punishment is something that happens very rarely to a submissive working with me. I believe that the vast majority of times something is agreed with by a submissive, with her having had the opportunity to discuss what is to happen, when it is expected, and the way it is to be achieved, a submissive will try very hard to achieve that goal, because she has agreed it herself. Sometimes it won’t happen. Life jumps up and bites us. Maybe she has to work extra time in her job? Maybe she has family problems? As long as she communicates those issues to me, that she doesnt complete the task is not a failure deserving of punishment, but ‘life’.

Sometimes, I am not clear in what I ask of my submissive, so she doesn’t achieve what I expect. That though, is my fault not hers. When we work out what went wrong, it really should be me that is punished there, not her. (It doesn’t happen, but you get the point?)

'Funishment' - where we both enjoy it - is something which is not really punishment at all. Spanking a woman who llikes to be spanked is not a good way of acting in my view. On the rare occasions punishment is due, Lines, or letter writing, or toilet restriction, or early bedtimes are a much more effective true punishment, depending on the sub in question.

The sub in these circumstances is acting in a bratty way, and is acting up.

Should she be punished at all? Probably not, and certainly not yet. I think that she is communicating to this guy something about HIS ability as a Dom. Or the lack of it. Communicate back. Talk to her about what is going on. Challenging you in public and on the phone is totally fine, as long as it is respectful and appropriate, so that is NEVER to be punished. You are a man not a God. Of course you have to be open to being challenged by your submissive. Look at the situation from her perspective and listen carefully to what is said. There are two possible outcomes, and neither of them involve punishment.

First, something is wrong with the way you are both interacting. BOTH - the Dom and the sub together need to talk about what is happening and need to decide together how to change it. And then you both need to act to do something about it so you are both comfortable.

Or the second possibility is that she is not a sub. Or indeed, she may be a sub, but not with you. She may not WANT to work with you as a sub, and may not want to continue with what is happening. A sub who is not willing to submiit is not a sub. The woman concerned may simply need to be confronted with that reality and go off and either find a vanilla guy, or develop her own Domme side. Be realistic about the fact that if this is not working, you may simply need to stop it.

All of the advice I have given here is advice that any adult person could work out for themselves. I am an experienced Dominant man, but this advice comes from being grown up with life experience. I visited the blog of this man. He is 18. He is a boy himself trying to be a man. Perhaps the sub of such a boy is under age? Perhaps she is a child? Perhaps she is bratty because (forgive me for saying this) she IS a brat?

What do I advise this boy?

For me, a Dominant man has to be, first and foremost, a man. Growing up is not only about years, but about maturity. I am really grateful he was mature enough to ask for help, and I hope that the help here is useful to him. But we really need to ask ourselves, and our partners, whether it is the right time in our lives to get into this stuff. Sometimes stress can get in the way of a sexual or BDSM interaction. Sometimes it is about family issues. Sometimes it is about health. But for this boy, it is almost certainly about age and maturity.For this boy trying so hard to be a man, and trying so hard to be a Dominant man at that, my most fundamental piece of advice is this.

Play at this as a friend. Learn about you. Learn about consent and power exchange. Learn about what you like. Learn about what you are looking for yourself. Enjoy being sexual and Dominant. But please, don’t pretend that you ARE a DOMINANT man. You are not. That is something that comes with experience and time. Without that time, experience, maturity and learning, you are going to get it wrong, and you are going to hurt the submissive who puts herself in your care. 
Learn to walk before you try to run son.

Mike, England, February 2015

Posted By Mike

Updated : 16th October 2021 | Words : 910 | Views : 1548

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