To Love a Monster - Trauma Bonding
Yep, it’s real, and if you haven’t experienced it first hand you have no idea of its connection and power. I didn’t know about it until after my abusive relationship had ended and I started madly researching. I’ve read that, the worse the abuse is, the stronger the bond.
Now obviously we aren’t all robots and everyone’s story is different but at the bottom of it all, we are all survivors of abuse. My story became entangled with BDSM. I am a submissive. I love to serve others, make them happy and attend to their needs. It comes naturally to me. So when I met this man who swept me off my feet and treated me like a queen I thought I’d hit the jackpot.
Neither of us was in the lifestyle when we met, but with his naturally domineering nature and my submissive tendencies, a friend introduced us to the lifestyle. That was about a month after we had started dating. Obviously back then, I was unaware that I was being ‘groomed’ and primed for a relationship of manipulation and abuse, my mum reminded me some time ago that after my first date I told her that he was ‘very intense and full-on.’ (Should have listened to my gut.)
But I was head over heels in love with him. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found such a perfect man. He was my soul mate. I was naturally very submissive towards him, more than I have been with anyone. He was my king. My god. My life now revolved around him. He showered me with gifts, expensive dinners, a trip away all within the first few months of dating. We were engaged after 3mths. He also worked away, 2wks on 1wk home. I had become so attached to him that when he was away at work I would lie on my bed and pine for him. I became depressed, down and found it hard to even socialize with anyone. I was bonded to him intensely.
When the BDSM aspect of our relationship came into play, looking back now I think he used that as an outlet to abuse me. I follow all the threads on the page and I was reading one yesterday about punishments. I know we were both new to the lifestyle and I had a fantastic mentor to talk to, they even tried talking to him about how to be a good Dom, but he didn’t want to know.
I had researched all the information I was given and I knew what was right and what was wrong. But I let him do it anyway. Why? Because I had been psychologically conditioned and manipulated into believing that I had to ‘please’ him and give in to his every demand otherwise I would disappoint him and let him down. He knew that my biggest fear was that I believed I wasn’t good enough for him and that he would leave me. So he played on it. He used my insecurities against me.
My punishments were always sexual to him. After he punished me with either his hand, whip, flogger, or belt, he would then have extremely rough sex with me. When he was at work he would demand videos of me or bizarre sexual requests or just videos of me saying how much I needed him. If I didn’t send them to him on time he would punish me by not calling or texting me. Silent treatment. One of the most torturous things he put me through. It would drive me bat shit crazy.
Once I started working in the mines with him, the BDSM pretty much stopped and he just started abusing me. He had convinced me to work away with him as he told me that we needed to be together so he could take care of me. He separated me from my family, friends, and my familiar surrounding to the middle of nowhere where all I had was him.
My first week away he bashed and raped me and told me it was my fault. And I didn’t leave. It made me even more bonded and attached to him. When you are living in an abusive relationship your survival mode kicks in. You have intense feelings of fear, panic, anxiety, powerlessness which causes your brain to release different chemicals into the body.
Dopamine and Oxytocin are the two most prominent chemicals linked to trauma bonding. These chemicals when unbalanced, make it extremely difficult for the victim to think clearly and rationally as they are now addicted to their abuser. They are a drug. And we are their addict.
Our bodies become conditioned to live for the ‘highs’ of the relationship, doing almost anything to have those feelings that were felt at the start of the relationship. When we were in that phase I would often feel like I was floating and in a dreamlike state. I was so happy and content. My brain was high. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t in my right state of mind. I knew deep down that I was in a relationship with a monster but when I was on that high, all the abuse just got pushed to the back of my mind. Then when the lows hit, I felt paranoid, jealous, helpless, worthless, ugly, and useless. And so the cycle continued. A toxic game of cat and mouse.
After he abused me he would often say he was leaving me. I used to cry at his feet and beg him not to leave. I told him I would change and not question his judgment or actions.
When he left me (Yep it wasn’t even me that left him in the end. It scares me to think that if he didn’t, would I still be with him?) I felt the most intense pain I had ever felt in my life. I have never experienced such heartache and loss. My father had passed away earlier in the year and even that wasn't as bad as this.
I had become so dependant on him that I honestly thought I wasn’t going to survive without him. Even after the relationship had ended for the next 4mths he used me for sex and companionship. Until he found someone else. Then he discarded me in an intimate way but still strung me along for another 3mths sending me nice text messages. When I would see him, he would embrace me and kiss me gently on the head. It was sickening and just torturous.
Breaking free from this relationship and addiction was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
One of the hardest things was people not having an understanding or awareness of what you are going through or went through and just how hard it is to overcome something like that. It takes time. I have only trusted in two people that are aware of the extent of the abuse I endured and I found through researching I became more self-aware of the ordeal I had been through.
I even went overseas for 3mths to find myself and escape him. I have now been back for 6wks and I am a much stronger person than when I left. I thought that I had broken free from this bond, but since being back in familiar surroundings I have had triggers, nightmares, and thoughts about him. He has also contacted me. BUT now that I am in my right frame of mind I am choosing not to act on these.
My point is that now that I don't have his influence on me, I am able to make rational and logical decisions. I haven't replied to his messages and I have plans to move away to start fresh and in an environment that isn't toxic to me.
Every day I learn more about myself and the strength and courage I have had to find within myself to overcome this. The questions people ask ‘why did you stay? why can’t you just leave? why can’t you just get over it?’ It’s really an unfair question to ask. Especially to someone who has just been in an abusive relationship. Trust me they feel shit enough as it is. They allowed this to happen to them and they hate themselves for it.
It’s not just black and white. There are a lot of grey areas. I didn’t enter this relationship knowing it was going to be hell. If I had known what was going to happen I would have run the other way. I didn't ask or want this to happen to me. But it did. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I may have never actually been in love with this person. I have never felt so much love (or what I thought was love) with someone before. But as a result of trauma bonding, I felt an intense, deep connection that mirrored the feelings of being in love. I was completely devoted and committed to someone who ultimately tried to destroy me.
I am now warier and I do sometimes worry about what my next relationship will be like. After everything though, I still hope to be submissive to someone who deserves my submission. I want to love someone fiercely and passionately and I want someone in my life to take care of because it’s in my nature to do so. I’m so thankful after everything he put me through, he didn't take that away from me.
Ultimately this has taught me to love and take care of myself first and to respect myself enough to walk away from anything that is toxic or detrimental to my life.
Even now I wonder how I let myself fall into that horrible situation. I even ask myself those exact questions you shouldn't ask a victim of abuse. ‘Why did I let this happen to me, why didn’t I leave sooner.’ It’s because my judgment is not clouded by manipulation and abuse. I know it’s wrong. In the beginning, he was just too good. And he got to me before I even stood a chance of getting away.
He is and always will be a master of deception, manipulation, and deceit. A true monster. He didn’t win though. He never will. What a sad and miserable life to never know true love and happiness. Me, I’m just taking one day at a time and loving myself for the amazing person I’ve become. I’m not ashamed of my scars. They define me.
Posted By Nivek
Updated : 4th December 2021 | Words : 1771 | Views : 3248