Inappropriate Touching

Most of us come into The Scene with some idea about what to expect from others. We often think the people that we will meet at a munch, or other BDSM event will act in honorable and ethical ways. So we come into events with our guard down and ready to flirt, and talk to others in a semi-sexual way thinking that everyone we meet will keep things well within the bounds of proper behavior. 99% of the time we are right, and people do act just as we expect.

This is about the 1% of the time someone pushes themselves on you in an unwanted way.

First. Each of us has their own boundaries and preferences. What is fine with one person can be very trauma laden for another. Only you know where the lines need to be drawn, so sit down and think about different situations and decide what is really OK with you, and what isn't.

What does being "to close and/or inappropriate" mean to you? Does it depend on the time, place and situation? On the person involved? On your own past experiences and reactions to previous experiences?

You are within your rights to set your own boundaries, no matter if you are on a public bus traveling to work, or at a BDSM event. Being clear on what works, and doesn't, is where you need to be clear with yourself before something happens if possible. Then you will know how you want to handle the problem if it ever happens to you.

Do not ever think you have to let someone make demands on you, touch you, or treat you in a way that is disrespectful to you, just because it is a Scene related situation. You don't. If it is inappropriate in a 'nilla setting it is inappropriate in a Scene setting. Until and unless you have consented to that behavior.

Let me give you some examples of things that have happened to me over the years so you can see what can potentially happen. These might help you work out your own responses if the same kinds of situations come up for you.

I attended a local munch that I had been to many times before. This time there was a woman there who was a bully, not well balanced mentally, socially inept and demanding that all others treat her as the "queen" and give her all their attention. She sat across from me and kept yelling my name to get my attention any time I tried to talk to anyone else at the table. The host was sitting next to her and actually laughing about her behavior. When I asked him if he really thought this was appropriate, he said " no, but I want to see how you will handle this."

My reply was to get up and walk out. Since I am well known and often advise new people on where to go to be accepted and comfortable. I never recommended to anyone again to go to that munch. I never told anyone directly why I would no longer attend it. But it closed down within a few months, and I'm sure it was because of the munch host treating others the same way I was treated. Voting with your feet is always a good way to react.

At another munch a man sat down next to me and tried to keep my attention on him by poking me in the arm. After he had done this a couple of times I told him in a quiet voice "I have not given you permission to touch me" and that was all it took to stop the behavior. If he had made some excuse or persisted the second time I spoke to him would have been the same sentence only said loud enough for everyone else at the table to hear. Public shaming is another way to make your point clear as to what is unacceptable behavior. But only when directed to the offender and said in a polite non angry way.
Another time I was at a BDSM party ... I wrote about that one here..
coyote tale ... Negotiation https://fetlife.com/users/3627/posts/944098

At one group I went to there was one rather large man who always demanded hugs from every woman before he left. Then he would talk about how good their breasts felt against his chest.

When he approached me I said "no I will not hug you because I do not know you and am not comfortable giving hugs to strangers." He then tried pushing me into a corner so that I could not get away from him to get his hug. This time I yelled in a very loud voice NO. RED. STOP. I HAVE NOT CONSENTED TO THIS. because those words will get everyones attention very quickly at any BDSM event.

He started stammering about all he wanted was his hug and I countered with "you wanted something I did not consent to give you, then got very close to me and tried to push yourself on me after I had said no". I have every right to call RED on you for such behavior. No means NO. After that he respected a woman's no, when requesting a hug.

Some of these examples, wouldn't bother some of you at all. They bother me because they are all acts of someone pushing their wants on me, without consideration for me as a person. That is one of my boundaries and my right.

Now it is time for you to figure out where your own lines need to be drawn and what you will do if someone does not respect those boundaries. Because you have the same right to acceptable behavior as the next person.

Even if you are a submissive/slave/bottom you always retain your basic human rights and are allowed to make choices and consent to what is being asked of you, or done to you. Never forget this because it is your own self respect that is at stake here.

This was written and posted with approval by Freewine, a lady who has been in the BDSM scene for a long time and someone I was fortunate enough to cross paths with. Her advise is second to none.
You can read more of her valuable note here.
https://fetlife.com/users/3627


Posted By Sully B

Updated : 8th April 2015 | Words : 1040 | Views : 1437

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