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For the Newbie Subs out there

For the Newbie Subs out there

Your safety is also your responsibility. Like so many areas of life, there are predators that stalk the BDSM world for fresh meat, those that are unaware of what the predator is like or what they have done, and here on Tumblr is no different.

This is available from many internet sources, so I will not credit anyone in particular, as I believe it has been a collaborative document. This list is by no means the be all and end all, and it is important that an individual may have a personal red flag that they watch out for.

“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behaviour that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship or situation. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact SOMEBODY!

Red Flags:

1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask, answers questions with questions, speaks in vague generalities, changes the subject.
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time (before physically meeting).
7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
8) Criticises the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they met you through that community.
9) Breaks promises (without good reason; or frequently, even with “good” reason).
10) Repeatedly gives excuses for not meeting.
11) Refuses to admit wrongdoing; would rather abandon a friendship than make up for a mistake.
12) Does not take personal responsibility; always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
14) Uses persuasion, coercion, or scorn to pressure you into doing things you do not want to do.
15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
17) Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
18) Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Accuses you of not being a “true sub”.
20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
21) Puts you down in front of other people.
22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
24) Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
25) Lies or withholds information.
26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
27) Impatient with safety measures such as safecalls or meeting in public places.
28) Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your intellect.
29) Is impatient or unsympathetic when you express needs or desires.
30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs; or wants to “scene” when under the influence.
32) Is constantly asking for money from you or others. Requires you to pay his expenses in order for him to visit you.
33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
34) Deliberately says or does things that result in getting themselves or others physically or emotionally hurt.
35) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
36) Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
38) Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39) Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
41) Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and cab drivers, or abuses a position of authority by treating subordinates badly.
42) Rarely says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
43) Punishes you when angry. Punishment should be calm and reasoned.
44) Physically hurts you non-consensually.
45) Deals with confrontation by walking out.
46) Is reluctant to discuss a confrontation afterwards.
47) After an argument or confrontation, apologises profusely with flowers, gifts, etc.
48) Cheats on you; flirts with others in your presence.
49) Is jealous and possessive, confronting others who show an interest in you or accusing you if they believe you are paying attention to someone else.
50) Promises “I’ll never do that again”… and later does it again.
51) Makes sweeping statements like: “A real sub doesn’t have limits”, or “A true Dom never apologises.”
52) Does not respond as agreed to the use of a safeword. This is abuse.
53) Causes you to use a safeword often. A safeword should only be for “emergencies”.
54) Specific to social sites in general, and FetLife in particular:
• Has a recently established account (not necessarily negative)
• Has a very basic profile, with few pics, writings, groups, fetishes, etc; but especially few “friends” (not necessarily negative)
• Check activity. Has the person recently added fetishes or groups similar to yours? They could be trying to earn your interest and trust.
• Also in activity, see whether they have had significant interaction via writing discussions and responses, etc.; and if so, whether you are comfortable with them.
• Spend time on the friends list. Keep in mind that many people will “friend” at the drop of a hat. A person can send out 50 requests and get 10 or 20 acceptances with little effort. Contact a few of the friends whose profiles you like and ask for their opinion.

Trust but Verify. An honest Dominant will offer information, probably before you ask.
Live by what you think, not by what you’ve been told.
Have control of yourself. If you don’t have that, you should not give up control to another.
The Dom/Master should respect you. If he does not, it won’t last long.
Both must be honest. Trust cannot be built without it.

~~~Disclaimer… I did not write this… this came from the internet.


Posted By Sully B

Updated : 2nd January 2016 | Words : 1096 | Views : 2792

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